Hey you, yeah you, remember that thing you were decent at? Ok you thought you weren’t, but you were, you should do that again. Said the little voice, to the not listening brain, over and over.
There was a time when I wrote regularly, people even read what I wrote, sometimes they liked it, people I knew, people I didn’t – and that was a good time, then I stopped, because, well you know, life etc…
Yet, I was fine, at least I think I was; ok maybe I wasn’t, but it felt fine. I had reached a point of relative mental health, I was healed from a lot of pain (although both are also a permanent ongoing process), I was doing great. Then maybe, I got over all that healing & self discovery stuff & started to switch back off. Healed I may have been, but the answers to everything that life would throw at me, I did not have. The challenge of living consciously, not unconsciously is a continuous effort it seems.
When unexpected pain came along I didn’t know how to process it, I didn’t even realize, once again my subconscious was working without the knowledge of my conscious mind. Apparently one of the side effects of my lifelong fear of rejection is shutting people out when I feel pain. My struggle with worthiness means I feel my pain is not justified, regardless of it’s origin, so for fear of rejection I won’t tell you what’s going on. The worst part is most of the time even I don’t know what is going on, I’m just living life – or so I think….
So yeah, life is life, it’s never easy. A funny thing has been happening of late though, I keep having these thoughts, thoughts that I have no time for, but thoughts all the same. I think about society, about humanity, about the world, I think about the church and god, I try not to think about politics, but it comes at us so thick & fast these days how can you not? I think about existentialism. I think about what could be, what could have been and what should be….
Last fall, going into winter, a funny thing happened. I have no better way to describe it other than the lights were turned back on. As though awoken from a drunken slumber I felt fresh eyes, experienced fresh thoughts, I felt alive. I also felt great regret, the toll and loss from time spent living unconsciously is a saddening thing to behold.
When you go from conscious to unconscious living and then back to conscious it creates both a consistency issue and a trust issue, not only with one’s self but also for those in your life, especially those closest to you. How can someone trust you when if you are so inconsistent. How can anyone know if now is different to before? How do you know if now is different?
I have not answers to these questions, all I know is that today is not yesterday, nor is it tomorrow. So here I am, not starting over again, but rather standing up from the bench on the side of the road that I have been sleeping on, to begin the next part of the journey.
What will that look like versus what it was before as far as unhidden light goes? I am unsure, probably less introspection, maybe a little less prose. There will likely be more searching for reason, for discovery.
If there is one thing I have always been consistent about it is that I am consistently inconsistent. A walking paradox of uncertainty. Is that just who I am, or is that just me not having found the answers yet to the questions that i don’t know how to ask?
Maybe that is it, there are questions I need to learn how to ask, about life, about love, about the universe. There are questions that I don’t even know what they are, that I need the answers to, in order for this crazy beautiful scary planet to make a little more sense.
There is no plan, no schedule and no real goal. All there is currently, is a huge notion that it is time to begin again. We shall call this season 2, not a new beginning, but a new chapter.