2018 The Search For Balance

I’m not normally one for new years resolutions, or even really putting any significance in the number associated with the measurement of time that we call a year. However 2018 feels different, after a sad 2016, 2017 was supposed to be a better year; 2017 was actually such a dumpster fire of a year that it now seems like 2016 was simply there to try & prepare me for it.

Somehow, 2018 feels like it will be different on many fronts. After my dad passed away last fall something changed in me, through the sadness, I felt, pain yes, but also hope & love. It was like my senses had been turned back on after hiding from them for a while.

When I started to write a few years ago it was when I was going through a transformational period in life. A time where I was finding healing, but also trying to learn to live consciously, writing helped me do that, it made my brain work & that helped me to “stay awake” in life & not go through life on cruise control.

Somehow for the best part of 2 years now it seems like I have managed to revert to my old type, not all the time, but a lot of the time. I want 2018 to be different, I want 2018 to be conscious, I want to laugh & to cry, to share & to love & be fully aware of it all the time.

Of course, it is January & so just like half the western world, I also have that age old goal of trying to shed some weight & get back in shape. So I guess lets just get this out there, I’m overweight & out of shape. Sure I can make it not look too bad if I suck my gut in & wear the right clothes (I sound like a girl don’t I? lol), but I am fat.

I used to be pretty athletic & now I’m not, I’m not Disney world fat, but I’m in bad shape for me. This is not an appearance thing, although I do prefer it if when I look in the mirror what I see doesn’t make me say “Oh dear”, it’s more an I don’t feel good thing. I have low energy, everything is an effort, I have random aches & pains that move around my body (yay 40), also I don’t want to have to buy bigger clothes. Mostly I just want to be healthy & enjoy being alive, and I feel like that is easier when I am in shape.

So looking at the year ahead, what do I want to do with it? Well, clearly I want to start to live consciously again, I also need to do something about being out of shape. I also want to get back into playing music, I miss leading worship, I miss writing songs. I didn’t have a desire to play pretty much the entire time my Dad was sick, that seems to have changed now so I am going to start to play again. Do I have a plan for accomplishing these things? I’m working on it, maybe I’ll write about that over the weekend.

There are some things I don’t want to do, but not a list like folks usually do at this time of year. I don’t want to do things to the extreme, whether that be eating or working, exercising or drinking. I want balance, if I start regularly exercising, then I also want to be able to enjoy a pizza & a few beers occasionally. However, if I skip the exercise part, then I also need to skip the pizza & beer part – you see balance. If I work one weekend (I worked New Years Day & was on call the rest of the weekend so this is fresh in my mind), then I need to make sure to be fully involved with my family the next weekend.

i want to do more fun things, I want to hike places, I want to see places. I want to find my spark again, I want to see the wonder in creation again. I want to find that spiritual mystical side that I was enjoying a few years back, the part where Jesus seemed so real & alive & like he was with me. I know he still is, but it’s just not there like it was. That probably goes back to the conscious thing, if I’m not paying full attention to anything then how would I know what was going on?

I don’t know, I’m just thinking & typing. It worked once before, maybe it will help again.

PS – if you have no idea why this is on your reader – thank you for one day a few years ago liking something I wrote enough to press follow. I don’t know if I am actually starting to write again or not. For a long time starting to wire again was the only subject I could think of to write. What this is today is just a step, maybe there will be another step, maybe there won’t.