Oh hey look, writing, yeah about that … I’m not going to sit here & talk about how I am going to get back on the blogging train, I might, but I can’t make promises right now. Somehow, someway I’ve found myself in a strange place.
When I started the blog it was in a time of change, a time of healing, of facing the past & shading those weights that I used to carry around everywhere. It was a good time, therapeutic, life changing, wonderful. I had this great desire to live consciously, not in the old auto-pilot mode that I was always on. Life to me seems better when living it as a writer, not a professional writer, but one that chooses to look at the world, put it in their now words to share it. There is something to be seen in everything, you just have to look.
I was going to begin this post on last Monday, on a work trip to Los Angeles, yet Monday morning as I was getting ready, I looked at my laptop & could not think of a reason to bring it so I left it at home for safety. That there is the reason my blog has slowly died a death, when I have the time, I just don’t think about it, when I don’t have the time, I still don’t think about it. This is not necessarily a bad hing, however this lack of conscious thought is exactly what I had tried (successfully for a while) to get away from.
So do I sit here and list my excuses? Who am I giving them to ? Who am I asking forgiveness from anyway? No, this is a post to hark back to the old days. One that just looks inside to see where it will go, not poetic, not for clicks, for self, for growth.
It has been an interesting year so far. On the face of it things have been pretty good. I received a long overdue promotion at work (yay) but didn’t get a pay rise (boo). My daughter refuses to stop growing up, both physically & mentally, it is wonderful to watch, but it is all going by so quickly. There have been times this year that I have been a really good husband to my wife & other times that I’ve just been a jerk. It’s almost like I’m human or something 😉 Still I want to be really good a lot more & a jerk a lot less.
I have seen 3 people that I cared about die from cancer this year, a work colleague, a childhood friend & an adult friend who was a close to a father in the USA as I have had. I think I have dealt with the grief, but then again maybe I just ignored it & moved on like a “normal” guy (not good). I’ve coached my daughter’s soccer team through the wettest spring pretty much ever, it lasted forever due to the cancellations. The downside was not many kids came back this fall, my kid is now playing 1 year up & I had to adjust to being an assistant coach instead of head coach, not easy for several reasons that I won’t go in to. I have played the video game Destiny a lot, too much, it’s been fun, but it might be out of control. Much more has happened, its a lot, this year has been a lot.
Where am at though? Really at? What is going on inside? I guess other than the usual “I’m ok”, the truth is that I’m probably not. I don’t feel the depression returning, life is good, but I’m in an odd place. I’m tired a lot, snappy & grumpy too often. I don’t work out enough, I really don’t make enough time for God & due to business a lot of my relationships are basically on hold.
I see what I did there, where am I at? Let me give you a list of negative things to describe that something is wrong & maybe thats why I don’t write at the moment. There are adjustments I want to make, but I really am doing ok. I have mostly got over the more mentality that has plagued me for ages & am generally pretty content these days. I am really comfortable with just being me, I’m not overly driven professionally, I just do my job really well & try to help others do the same. I don’t want to be that guy who’s life is all about their work. I love my sports still, but in an entertainment, not life dominating kind of way. I say that but this fall it feels completely opposite, between my kid’s soccer, my soccer & other stuff, I don’t have the time (or the energy when I do have time) to do some of the other things that I love. My guitar playing is pretty bad right now, my singing is way off, I haven’t been able to lead worship since August.
Maybe that is the biggest thing, the pace of life, it is tolerable, survivable, but I don’t know if it is ultimately sustainable. I get that having a kid, especially one who is starting to do extra-curricular activities is time consuming. Yet there is a part of me, maybe the very essence of me that needs attention, unfortunately it is the first part that gets brushed aside to make time for what needs to be done. It is the creative side, the part of me that if I’m in a bad mood, or pointlessly bickered with my wife, is instantly soothed by playing guitar. It is the part of me that finds out what is going on by writing about it, because to this day if you ask me I have no idea what is going on inside.
It’s a soul thing, maybe I could make this a spiritual thing too, yes I’m not doing as well as I “should” be with things like prayer & reading the bible. I have got to a strange place with religion again, my belief remains unshaken, but cynicism has crept in, the business of Christianity troubles me. The faith, the truth, the delivering grace of Christ makes my soul smile, but the pretty people making pretty music & writing self help books for a machine of an industry it just troubles me sometimes.
I want my relationship with God to be better than it is right now. I was going to say I want it to be how it was a year or so ago, but maybe that is the problem. He is the God of the new, maybe I am struggling to draw close to Him because I am looking for what was, not what is to come, maybe I just don’t make the time & well, maybe I just don’t know …..
That’s the thing, all these things that I tell myself I should do, that I need to do, it becomes overwhelming, it is so much, can’t I just live life? Do I have to be looking to do something, growth or change of impact or whatever I tell myself it looks like I should be doing? Maybe that’s been part of the draw back to video games, just zoning out on the couch for a couple of hours BSing with friends, it’s bliss. I just… I just don’t know right now.
You see, I don’t really know what I want to be doing with life right now, goals etc, I don’t have any, just be happy. Yet just making it, that’s not going to be good enough long term, I know myself better than that. Maybe I’m just tired, maybe I need more sleep, maybe I need some true rest. I go on vacation soon, for a couple of weeks. I hope to journal it on here, when I did that before it added a lot to my trip, I think it could really help right now.
I’m not going to make any big plans or bold decorations until the dust has settled on that, it’s probably going to end up looking like new years resolutions, but it won’t be, I just know that I want to take better care of me in 2016 so that I can be better for those connected to me. Not that I’m not good now, I just know I can be better & when you are your best around people, you tend to get their best & life in general is just a little more groovy.
Rambling ramble over, not idea what I said or if it was worth saying, no idea when I will write again next, but maybe, just maybe, this is the start of taking care of my creative side again, the start of feeling alive again.
I feel like we’re in the same, totally different, place….if that makes any sense. The same core thoughts and feelings around somewhat different concepts and issues. Whatever. Makes sense, doesn’t make sense…….i feel you.
Makes total sense! This transition into I guess actually being a grown up / healthy human is well, different 🙂