So I have found myself in something of a funk recently. To the point where looking at getting help for depression is a subject that has been discussed frequently. I don’t know what caused it, I don’t know why I’m here in this place, I do know God wants to get me out of it though. To talk or write about it the whole thing seems a little ridiculous, but it is very real. I had written several poems last week, some that I posted, the rest I was not going to press, after wondering if they were helping at all, or just making things look worse than they are, especially to those who care more about me than my art. I have decided that I will put them up there anyway, following this disclaimer post. I feel that if my down times can help even one person feel not alone & feel that there is hope then they are worth it. I know that god will never give me something I cannot handle, even if I don’t want to handle it.
The subject of a funk, or depression is an odd one, the human side of me thinks it would be good, if I do have some mental problem, to get diagnosed & see if there is treatment available, it would be nice not to have to deal with these recurring issues over & over. The spiritual side of me thinks that maybe it is not a mental thing, but possibly demonic oppression, maybe I have been under a heavy attack. I have certainly not been as focused on God as I was earlier in the year. Despite knowing that life is better that way, I keep finding myself drifting into sports or music or materialism, not in a healthy enjoyable way, but in an unhealthy almost drug addict like way. Most likely it is some kind of combination of both.
This morning my pastor made a great analogy about the Christian life, although I guess it works for all life. Your decision & baptism are like signing up for the gym, it is the starting point. It is only when you are regularly attending the gym, working out, pushing your limits that you start to see real progress. It is exactly the say in the Christian life. I have not been working out spiritually recently, I have been half in, not all in. I don’t even know how I got there because I was so all in just a short time ago, then somehow I have become derailed.
Well no longer, I am going to fight for my relationship with God, because the rest of my life on works when that part is working right. My marriage, my relationship with my daughter, my outlook on life, my outlook at work, none of that is ever right if I am not “all in”. So here I go, once again asking God to press the reset button. Hey, if I was perfect I wouldn’t be in this world anymore, He will get me right again, He will take me on from here into whatever His plan is for me.